Over the last couple of days, I’ve been thinking about how to write this post. Still, I don’t have many words. My heart has nothing poetic to flow other than real, raw, emotion, and I’m not sure how much of that I’m ready to release.
Last Wednesday morning, my life changed forever when my beloved stepfather went home to be with the Lord from a sudden heart attack. He was only 58 years old. Right now is a time of deep, deep grieving. I know God has a plan, but I’m fighting with the question why and though I’ve been on the road of grief before, this time it looks much different. It’s much darker than ever before.
The only thing I can really say in this moment is that I know God is still for me, He still loves me, and He is still in control. He is no less faithful even in the face of this tragedy. I don’t know when my family will know joy again; I just know that it will be a process – one day at a time of learning how to live a new normal.
All I can think about right now is how this amazing man will no longer attend Christmas concerts. I can’t get over the fact that I won’t be able to buy him silly pajamas at Christmastime or buy him another cheesy flannel shirt that he will adore on his birthday. The sorrow of knowing he won’t be at any of my children’s weddings is forming a deep crevice into my heart.
Wednesday morning, I had a decision to make. Will I trust God again or not?
I will because I believe that there is a light in the darkness, and even though I don’t see it yet, I know without a doubt it is there. A couple weeks ago, Holley Gerth said in her blog, “I still believe there are good things ahead for me.”
Today, I’m choosing to trust and lean heavy in the “stills.”
I still believe…
Someday, I will write a tribute to my amazing stepfather who treated me as if I was his very own and loved me completely. Someday, I will have words again. But for now, I’m taking a break to heal. You will hear from me occasionally, but I need some time to rest and breathe. Please pray for my sweet mother and the rest of my family as we learn to survive without someone we love very much.
May you be blessed, and may you find hope inside the “stills” of whatever it is you are facing.